recover the string of days
by callmesandy
Summary: Winter spring summer and fall. Some things persist and some things change. PJo. (au from the season 2 ep where everyone almost has sex except Pacey/Andie.) Background Jen/Dawson.


Opening quote and title from George Moore's Frozen. For the trope bingo space rite of passage/coming of age. Thanks to A! Happy birthday, Dawson's Creek!

* * *

 _I want the poem to recover_  
 _the string of days in what seems a perpetual migration,_  
 _so constant a movement that from our distance_  
 _even the curve of the earth can be recognized._

winter:

Pacey initially thought about writing a note to Andie after they first had sex, he was worried to the point of full blown neurosis about the step they had taken. But then he was obsessing and he remembered Andie's mom's name wasn't Andrea which meant Andie was the one on Xanax. He could not contribute to her problems by making her feel bad in any way, shape or form.

He talked to her, though, told her she was his whole world and he couldn't imagine life without her. She cried, too, because Pacey had been crying like he was ten years old again and Doug had punched him in the gut. He was going to be there for her no matter what.

Pacey noticed something was off with Dawson, Jen, Jack, and Joey but he had his own crap swirling around him. He was at Andie's, when Jack came in and sat down next to him. "Where's Andie?"

"Your sister," Pacey said. He thought saying 'your sister is showering because we had sex and wants to be clean before she studies' would be a really bad idea. So he said, "You know your sister. She takes studying very seriously. She's preparing the room."

Jack looked at him like he didn't believe him in the slightest. Then he said, "You've known Joey a long time, right?"

"Sure," Pacey said. "You two dating now?"

"Sort of. Yes. Yes, we are. I feel like we rushed into it. I don't know. It felt right and then it didn't feel right," Jack said.

"Okay," Pacey said. "That makes sense, except not in the slightest."

"I don't know," Jack said. He looked over his shoulder and then back at the counter. "We had sex."

"Seriously? Wow." Pacey looked at Jack's expression. "Was it not good?"

"It was fine, it wasn't my first time, but whatever. It was fine."

"Fine?" Pacey frowned. "My first time was great. I know it was Joey's first time so I hope she had more to say than fine." He felt weirdly protective of Potter which was mystifying since his name wasn't Dawson.

"I think she did," Jack said. "And we did it again and she liked that, too. I just." Jack paused.

"You didn't? Dude, that's, that's a little off. You seemed to really like her. She's pretty and smart and admittedly on the churlish side, but she's a good egg. I like Andie better, of course," Pacey said. Just in case he'd been too positive about Potter.

"I get that," Jack said. "I'm not worried about that. I just, I'm worried I don't like it enough."

"Did you like it more the first time you did it?" Pacey was starting to getting worried, too, he was rapidly moving out of any area where he knew what to say. At least Dawson's problems made sense.

"It was fine," Jack said.

"You're using that word a lot," Pacey said.

Jack clenched his fist and then relaxed. "I don't know. I'm just wrong."

"There's nothing wrong with you, I know that," Pacey said. "You're a great guy in a tough situation. With your mom. And everything else. Maybe you don't feel like you're ready to be happy again."

Jack smiled. "That's a pulled out of your ass explanation, but I appreciate the effort."

Andie called down to Pacey that she was ready to study. He patted Jack on the back and went upstairs.

Up next was Dawson unburdening himself about having sex with Jen. Luckily, there was no ambivalence from Dawson. He was straight up thrilled to have had sex and was revising his whole theory of life and morality in light of it. Pacey genuinely felt this was a good thing. Dawson was way too romantic and had no sense of reality. Pacey was worried, though. Dawson was completely throwing himself into this life of sex with Jen and realigning his life away from his previous sex is evil and dirty stance. But Pacey knew Dawson, and Dawson tended to bounce from one extreme to another. Pacey was now worried Jen would get hurt when Dawson decided to jump to the other pole.

So in between checking on Jack, dating Andie, listening to Dawson, Pacey took it upon himself to talk to Jen. He said, "Hey, hey, Lindley. How are you?"

She looked up at him and rolled her eyes. "Are you checking on my intentions with Dawson?"

"God, no," Pacey said. "I'm checking on you. Dawson's my best friend but he has these tendencies to get really stoked about something and then he whiplashes to being completely not stoked. I don't want that to spin around on you."

"I have my eyes open, Pacey," Jen said. "I know Dawson. I like him, and I have my eyes open. I care about him and I know how easily he can hurt me. I do remember my own history, thank you very much."

"I don't want you to get hurt," Pacey said. "No one should get hurt, just in general."

"Aren't you the sweetest?" Jen grinned and closed her locker.

Joey actually sought him out. She said, "Do you think I'm horrible that I slept with Jack?"

"Are you insane? Why would I think that? I'm just glad you and Dawson overcame your weird sexual hang ups and realized the earth doesn't stop spinning once you have sex," Pacey said.

Joey blanched. "Dawson."

"Wow, he didn't tell you? Okay, I didn't tell you either. Nope, I don't know what I meant," Pacey said, scrambling away.

"No," Joey said. She reached for his sleeve, missed and ending up grabbing his hand. "It's okay. Thank you for letting me know."

spring:

Joey was walking around more than a little shellshocked these days. Her boyfriend, the first guy she had sex with, turned out to be gay. He admitted it to himself. She was supportive. Of course she was supportive. Jack was a great guy. He was a really good person. She wanted to help.

Dawson and Jen hadn't broken up. At all. They were adorably still together. Pacey was the one who said adorably. Joey didn't think of it like that. Jen was a really good person, too. Jen was nice to Joey all the time. She even tried to help Joey and Dawson be friends again. So they were. They were just friends.

Dawson loved talking to her about his new movie, which he had completely rewritten and Joey was thrilled because the first draft had been pretty disgusting to Joey herself. Now Dawson felt free to tell Joey all about it, how it was going, the editing, the awful actors. He even occasionally mentioned Jen as a fantastic producer.

So she was a good friend to Jack, actually being friends with Jen, faking like she and Dawson were good friends. It was good times. Oddly, sometimes she thought all she really had was Pacey.

Not that she wasn't good friends with Andie, but Andie was hard to know deeply. Joey didn't know why she wanted that, but Andie's surface tension made Joey want to poke and go further. Poking at someone wasn't the way to be friends with someone, even Joey with her limited experience in non suppressed sexual feelings friendships.

So, Pacey. Pacey was working hard at school, sometimes they even studied together. He would say, "Andie needs her time alone but I don't want her to be disappointed in my grades."

"Well, since it turns out you really do have a brain, I'm fine studying with you."

She already knew he was good at cramming, but it turns out he was just plain smart. He didn't believe her anymore than he believed Andie. He kept saying it was all Andie.

She sighed. "Pacey, don't you think that's even more pressure to put on her? You keep saying she saved you, but what does that mean for her?"

Pacey rubbed his eyes. "I know," he said. "But it's the truth."

"It's not," Joey said. "Andie's just one of the first people in your life who doesn't agree with your parents or your family. She's great, she loves you. But good student and good guy Pacey was always there. Lurking."

Pacey stared at her. "I don't agree."

"Well, I tried," Joey said.

Pacey and Dawson, though, were the only ones she could talk to when her father came home. They remembered him. Dawson kept insisting she should give her dad a chance. Pacey kept saying that not all parents were worth giving a second or third chance. They were like an angel and a devil on her shoulder.

Jen said, "No one's an angel or a devil." Jen had insisted on girl time so now Joey was getting a manicure from Dawson's girlfriend. Jen said, "Dawson's parents have made mistakes but they're fundamentally good parents. They always put Dawson first. He says your mom was like that." Jen smiled at her. "Pacey on the other hand, he does not think his parents are good people."

"He's probably right," Joey said. "Pacey's mom is so passive aggressive. She always runs him down while saying she loves him so much. It's cruel. I told my mom once, and she had this expression, she never had that expression. Pacey's dad doesn't care about him, he loves Doug best. Also, Doug and Pacey's dad have hit him for as long as I've known Pacey."

"Like, child abuse?" Jen looked troubled.

"I guess?" Joey shrugged. "I never thought of it that way. Pacey gets in trouble, he gets a smack. Doug gets pissy, he takes it out on Pacey."

"Isn't that, like, textbook that definition of abuse?" Jen shook her head. "I guess no one reports to the police when it's the police using their youngest as a punching bag."

Joey shrugged. "I feel like an asshole now, I never thought of it that way."

"You're not an asshole," Jen said. "You've grown up with it, you think it's normal. Sometimes it just takes other people's eyes."

"So should I give my dad a second chance?"

It was Jen's turn to shrug. She said, "Up to you. But you can let things play out without completely committing to being invested in his redemption. It's his job to make things up to you, not your job to be his emotional support."

"I like how you think," Joey said. Grudgingly. "I'm not mad you had sex with Dawson. Are having sex with Dawson."

"That's good," Jen said. Her hand was steady as she put on the topcoat.

"I totally was, but it was because, well, I wanted it to be me. And Dawson didn't even tell me. So it wasn't about you. You are not the object of my anger. My anger is probably most at me," Joey said.

"And a little bit Dawson," Jen said. She smiled. "He can be a huge jerk."

"Seriously," Joey said.

Joey took her pretty nails and went to see Bessie and her dad. She didn't fight her dad's plans, but she didn't really participate. She was waiting to see.

summer:

Pacey was pouting during the Fourth of July festival. He was pouting to the extreme. He knew it, and he knew he was being a dick, he was wallowing in his misery. Jen said, "Come on, Pacey."

"I know, I know, but leave me in my existential crisis of pain," Pacey said.

Andie had had a breakdown, and then they'd talked, and talked. She even told him as soon as she cheated on him. She had a lot of explanations about why she'd acted in such a self-destructive manner. Pacey heard all of the explanations, he really listened but he'd loved her so much.

Jen said, "I know how much it sucks to break up. Or be dumped. Or whatever you're calling it today. But we have explosions, fellow teenagers getting very drunk and people letting it happen. Pacey, enjoy the hedonism, even if it is Capeside's version of it."

Pacey said, "You just want me to be your sad sack pal because Dawson's in Ohio."

"You're already my sad sack pal, I want you to be my occasionally fun pal," Jen said. "Fine, I'm going to leave you here and see if I can find someone for Jack to hook up with."

Pacey watched the festival's mediocre bacchanalia. Joey came up to his spot on the bleachers. She said, "Is this where we sit if we're losers?"

"This is where I sit so neither my dad or my brother finds me and I can be sad without being told to buck up little camper," Pacey said.

"Thanks for not denying I'm a loser," Joey said.

"You want the title, you got the title, Potter," Pacey said.

Joey's father had been arrested all over again. He'd confessed and turned in the other dealers who had retaliated by burning the Ice House to the ground one night. But now everyone was in jail and Joey and Bessie were desperately trying to make ends meet. Joey had gotten two jobs like she was supposed to be the one who saved the family.

"I don't think you're a loser," Pacey said. "And your dad fucked up but he confessed before anything bad happened. He took down some bad guys."

"I wish there'd been a reward," Joey said. "For the kind of noble lapse back into drug dealing that does so much good."

"Yeah, he's a stinker," Pacey said. "You're not, Bessie's not."

"Duh," Joey said.

"Do you think that or are you trying to get me to shut up? Because we both know I never shut up," Pacey said.

Joey actually smiled at him.

It was that kind of summer. Pacey moped and took two summer school courses because it got him out of the house. His dad had been marginally nicer since Andie called him and Andie had told Pacey's dad about how well Pacey had done in his finals. Marginally nicer wasn't actually great.

Jen and Jack were just hanging out, Joey was working her ass off, and Pacey was taking Spanish and Biology.

He went to hang out with Joey at work down by the docks. "Is it only you here?"

"Of course," Joey said, sighing. "I wish that situation would persist."

"You love hanging out with me," Pacey said.

Joey sighed again and looked at Pacey. "If I ask you something, can you find a few minutes to not be the awful pervert we both know you are?"

"So it's about sex," Pacey said. "Fire away."

"My first two times were okay, but, I don't know, I thought it would mean more." Joey was very specifically looking away from Pacey so he got to talk to her hair.

"You thought it would change your life forever and everything would be different before and after? Like you'd be a woman and understand life in a way you never have before?" Joey's hair moved like she was almost nodding. "Jo, sex is awesome but it's not this rubicon into the wider world you and Dawson act like. You don't pass through a gate and see spectrums of color you never thought possible. You were a person who hadn't had sex. Now you're a person who has had sex. And hopefully in the future will have sex with someone who's more attracted to women than men. Or at least attracted to both."

"Thanks for that," Joey said. "What a great wish. And thanks for making me feel stupid, I love that most of all."

"You aren't stupid," Pacey said. "You and Dawson, you just bought into the TV and movie fantasy about sex and teenagers."

"That doesn't make me sound stupid," Joey said, sarcastically.

"It just means neither of you got out enough," Pacey said. "And you both have gotten out into the world and it's different than you thought. Maybe it's purple instead of pink, but purple is a real color, too."

"That metaphor sucks," Joey said.

The four of them, Jen, Jack, Joey and Pacey, got together one night to get good and drunk. Drinking and drinking and drinking. Pacey enjoyed the heck out of that one. Jack and Jen tottered back to Grams's place and Pacey was left to somehow figure out how to get Joey home. "Those guys are assholes," Joey said. Then she sat down on the wet grass and looked up at him dolefully.

"They certainly are," Pacey said. He was working really hard to stay standing. "See, no one cares if I sleep out in the wild, no one cares at all. But Bessie will be super upset if you don't get home."

"Let's not hurt Bessie," Joey said. She struggled up to standing by dragging on Pacey's shirt. She was practically pulling it off. She got her chilly hands up against his chest, it was not erotic.

"Your hands are freezing," Pacey said, taking her hands and pulling them off him.

He got her into the damn rowboat and she trailed her fingers in the water, slowing them down. She had closed her eyes and was leaning back like she was basking in the moonlight. Pacey said, "You need to stop drinking, Potter, you just end up like this. This isn't great, this isn't cute, this is me being forced to be a good guy."

"You love being a good guy," Joey said. "You crave it. You're a total failure at being an irresponsible black sheep, you only have that role because your parents are fucked up. Also, I think they're abusive. Jen said that, not me."

"Well, thanks for that," Pacey said. His parents weren't abusive. They were assholes. But he suddenly felt heavy and empty at the same time. He was going to have to get home from Potter's somehow. He had so much still to fucking do.

He got Potter into bed and took off her shoes and socks. He basically passed out on the family couch and Bessie didn't say anything in the morning.

fall:

Everyone was back and Joey still managed to find a way to be miserable. She considered her general despair a real skill. She thought about putting it on her college applications.

Dawson was super chipper, of course, he had a girlfriend, he was having sex, he was going to write a brilliant movie about mothers and daughters because his own life was boring and Jen's wasn't. Joey tried not to be resentful that her hardscrabble life was so uninspiring. Maybe the world was tired of small town girl somehow makes it.

Jen said, "No, everyone's done the story of small town boy who overcomes the odds, the only story about small town girls involve prostitution or models."

"I appreciate your feminist rabble rousing to make my life more of a good story," Joey said.

Pacey didn't even seem to care about any kind of rabble rousing storytelling, he was just broken and dull. You had to know him well to see it, only Joey and Dawson seemed to really notice. But underneath the jokes and stupid pranks and still studying hard, Pacey was like a sad clown which wasn't a great look on Pacey. He used to be a happy person under all the stupid pranks and bad jokes and perversity. Or at least she had thought so.

"Do you think it's Andie?" Dawson said to her. "That would bring anyone down."

"I wonder if maybe it's when I mentioned Jen thought he was an abused child?"

"Why would he be down about that? He's not. No Great Santini or This Boy's Life," Dawson said.

"Maybe even though you can't think of an equivalent movie, it could still be true," Joey said.

"I think we both know I don't have the kind of life experience a lot of people have, so movies are the best way for me to bring it down to a level where I understand it," Dawson said.

Joey looked over at him and smiled. "I hate that Jen is making you a better person with more complex layers and shit."

"You did, too," Dawson said. "Mostly Jen, though."

"Asshole," she said. She was still smiling as she walked away.

She made Pacey her mission. He mostly hung out with Jack and sometimes the rest of them, but mostly Jack. She found Pacey sitting on the dock, reading and looking over his book at the ocean.

"What are you reading?"

Pacey held up his book. It was Pride and Prejudice. She said, "I love that book. We don't have to read it for English class, do we? Do you something I don't know?"

"I was supposed to read it two years ago," Pacey said. "But it comes up a lot, so I thought why the hell not?"

"It's a beautiful love story," Joey said. "Hey, why are you so super depressed lately?"

"I'm not," Pacey said. "Stop projecting."

"I know you better than that," Joey said. "Dawson thinks so, too. We talk about you, you know."

"I'm pleased I'm such a fascinating subject to the two of you," Pacey said. "You're interrupting my reading."

"Are you writing a book report after this?"

"Nope," Pacey said. "Honestly? I was thinking about taking AP English, senior year and I know this AP exam has a set of books we're all supposed to know, please don't belittle my ambition."

"I'm not," Joey said. "I was going to take it, too. Maybe you should write a book report so I can review it."

"I'm not doing your work for you," Pacey said.

"So, AP English, huh?"

"I have to get out of Capeside, your obsessive quest has infected me," Pacey said.

"Away from your family?"

Pacey sighed. "Sure, that would work, too."

She gave up. She thought maybe she could try talking to Jack even if it was always a little awkward, like, hey, remember when we had sex twice and that first time was my first time ever and then you were like, guys only for me! She had to find a better way to sum that moment in her teenage life.

Maybe, she thought, she should just seduce Pacey. She could do that, she was totally seductive. Jen was trying very hard not to laugh at her when Joey said it out loud. "You have your own charm," Jen said. "And you're very attractive, but seductive is a little bit of a stretch. Plus, do you want to seduce Pacey?"

"I want to make him happy again. I don't like broken Pacey. It fundamentally offends my world view," Joey said.

"Then it makes total sense that you want to have sex with Pacey, an offensive perspective on the world always gets my panties off," Jen said.

Joey glared at Jen. "Do you think Dawson would be upset?"

"If Dawson is upset you're dating Pacey, I'll be very upset with him. And he likes having sex with me, so I think you're safe." Jen met Joey's eyes and looked very serious. "Do you want to be with Pacey?"

"He's very convenient," Joey said.

Jen rolled her eyes.

Joey set to work the next day. Pacey generally responded well to attention. He liked positive attention, like, maybe the entire world. Joey sighed. She went to Pacey's locker. She waited for him and when he arrived, she said, "Hey, Witter, I was thinking we could watch that Pride and Prejudice mini series. I hear Colin Firth is super sexy."

"Isn't this the argument you make to Jack, not me? Did you get us confused?"

"It would make me happy, I don't care if you really want to, but like, it's nice to have company,"

"I already read the book, I have to watch movie now?"

"Mini series," Joey said. She convinced him just by never accepting his no. The whole point was to watch things together and eat popcorn and cuddle up close to him. That was seductive. Joey was seduction central.

He came over because it took nothing to get Pacey out of his house. She sat next to him on the couch and cued up the video. After a bit he relaxed and sat back and even put his arm up on the couch. She sat even closer to him. He smelled like a guy, like Jack, but not like Dawson. She looked at his profile for a moment and really thought about what she was doing.

She really did want Pacey Witter. It was awful. She leaned her head on his shoulder. He said, "Are you already falling asleep? It's not that bad."

"No, your body is soft and nice to lean on," she said.

"That's insulting," Pacey said. But his hand came around her shoulders.

At some point, three hours in, she put her hand on his thigh and leaned in even closer. "Pacey," she said.

"Joey," he said.

"Let's make out," Joey said. "If you want to. I was think we should. It would cheer you up."

Pacey just looked at her. "It would cheer me up? That's why I should kiss you?"

"I said make out, we're going to do more than kiss. Not too much more because it's our first make out. I definitely plan to let you touch my breasts, inside my bra," she said. She was apparently very tired.

"That's sure an offer," he said. He hadn't let go of her shoulder yet. "Do you actually want to do this or is this some weird extra credit bonus project in your head?"

"I actually want to do this, dumbass," she said. She lifted her shirt. She wasn't even wearing a bra.

Pacey's eyes went straight to the goodies, as it were. Then he shifted and suddenly he was on top of her, kissing her, leaning on one forearm while his other hand was on her breast. It felt really great, he had soft hands. He rubbed the underside of her breast with his thumb and she arched her back, pushing herself into him. He was a good kisser, too. It was french kissing and she felt like an idiot thinking that.

He stopped kissing her and then he was kissing her other breast. She could feel him getting hard against her thigh. She shifted her thighs against him and he groaned. She grabbed the back of his head and ran her hands through his hair. "Pacey," she said, with a sigh.

"Tell me when to stop," Pacey said. It all felt so good, the weight of him on top of her and his mouth and hand on her breasts.

He reached down and unbuttoned her jeans. He said, "Stop?"

She pushed her jeans down to her thighs. "Don't stop yet."

He rubbed his hard dick against her cotton panties, right where she was starting to get wet. She moved her hips and rubbed him right back.

Then he sat back and said, "We have to stop." He grabbed his crotch. "I'm going to take care of this in the bathroom since this only our first make out."

She stared at the ceiling and pictured what Pacey was doing in the bathroom. She would never tell anyone but she put her hand in her panties and got herself off. Then she pulled up her jeans and pulled down her shirt. She knocked on the bathroom door. "My turn," she said.

"Sure," Pacey said, letting himself out. He kissed her cheek as he passed by.

Their conversation the next day was surprisingly normal. Them making out didn't seem to disturb the world too much.

They made out in her room this time, and she got his jeans off, reached inside his boxers and took out his hard dick. He kept kissing her while she jerked him off. He came on her shirt and apologized. "This is making out right?"

He kissed her deeply. He took off her shirt and then poured a glass of water on her shirt. "I've cleaned up this before."

"Awesome," Joey said. "Next time we should have sex."

"Um," Pacey said. "That's your third make out move? What are we doing after that? More sex? Or mission accomplished?"

"My mission is to cheer you up. You seem really cheery," Joey said. "And you're great at making out, I mean, it feels really great being with you."

"Is this pity sex? Pity making out?"

"I always give handjobs to people I pity," Joey said. "Maybe I just like you." Which was odd to say and even odder that she was telling the truth.

"This is weird. But you're offering sex, and I like that," Pacey said.

The sex was actually really great. She was embarrassed to tell Jack about it because it was so much better than the times with him. Pacey not repressing that he was gay probably made a big difference. Other differences weren't as big, but there were differences she only told Jen.

"Before you know it, it's winter again," Joey said. She was half naked in Pacey's room, laying on his bed. "It's funny to think, like, Dawson and Jen will have been together a year."

"Unlike the rest of us who had sex that night," Pacey said. He looked sad.

"But it all works out," Joey said.

"That does not sound like the Joey Potter I know," Pacey said.

"Well, I seduced you, and it turns out I really like sex," Joey said. "And all the crap and all the good things of this year brought us to right now, right?" She sat up and ran her hand down his chest. He was more fit than she'd expected.

"Yeah," Pacey said. "I guess you're once again annoyingly right."

Joey smiled and meant it, too.


End file.
